Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
