eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize