i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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