She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
