I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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