Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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