Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
