I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
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