When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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