my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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