i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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