Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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