I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I should be sponsored by Trojan
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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