So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
