i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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