around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize