I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
