Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
