I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Mom said you looked used
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
