i don't like sucking hair
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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