My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
