I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
