I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
