I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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