Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize