I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
