oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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