I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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