turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
