I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize