your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
not ubering you a puppy
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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