On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You may now shotgun with the bride
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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