if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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