I heard we made out
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i've created a new STD.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
