I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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