ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
