I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
