I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
