this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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