He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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