I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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