he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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