she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you. Go after that dick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
