Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
