so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
