Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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