ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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