we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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