he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
