I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
