i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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