your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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