Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
