Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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