Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
