I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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