ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
