you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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