Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
